Mighty Caesar, lend me your ears. You have no doubt been following my dispatches, so perhaps this missive will seem superfluous. But the whining serfs of the deposed Warlord Rubio seem more interested in continuing their doomed struggle with Warlord Cruz's supporters than in uniting with them to stop the much graver danger that is Warlord Donald Trump, and I thought now would be a good time to explain why they're doing this.
Caesar, we have overestimated these tribes. Most of them are made of children, not men. They paradoxically sell their principles out to support lesser leaders who will supposedly have an easier path to victory (Warlords Rubio and Kasich), and yet stand on their principles and refuse to back Warlord Trump, who, for all his vulgarity, seems to be one of the few warlords from the very start who could see the world for what it was. Now, as you know, it is quite difficult to stand on principle when a savage is sawing your legs off (you're gonna love what I did at Nipton, by the way), and yet these mewling fools seem determined to try it anyway - after all, if the Red Tribe stands idly by and refuses to back Trump, then Hillary Clinton will become their leader, and she has already demonstrated a manifest incapacity to keep her serfs alive.
Why did all of this come to pass? Why were they so eager to sell out for Rubio and now refuse to do so for Trump, even though their very refusal to unite with Cruz's tribe makes Trump's ascendancy inevitable?
Pride, Caesar. Pride and stupidity.
Even now, they cling to the delusion that Marco Rubio was the man of the hour. He was not. This is a very angry electorate, and Marco Rubio is fundamentally incapable of tapping into that anger. First because whenever he tried to sound angry, he merely came off as whiny. And second, because he himself is a reason for that anger.
The Red Tribe leadership, you see, had an opportunity to appease its serfs. The commoners were sick of how the Red Tribe kept making deals with the Blue Tribe. And so they promoted a series of leaders belonging to a group they called the "Tea Party" - an historical reference, Caesar, but without the cosplay. Warlord Rubio was one of these leaders, elected on a promise of actually standing up for the Red Tribe and their beliefs. But once he came to power, he sold out the Red Tribe and became the spokesman for an arcane piece of legislation called "Gang of 8." So here we had a "Tea Party" senator proving himself to be no better than an "Establishment" senator. Meanwhile, the Red Tribe also conquered the entire legislative branch of the government, and yet had almost nothing to show for it. Understandably, there were more than a few people who became disillusioned with all politicians.
And so, enter Warlord Trump. Not a politician, but a blustering fool and past supporter of the Blue Tribe, he blasted his way to center stage and left a wake of corpses behind him. He capitalized on the very issue Warlord Rubio betrayed the Red Tribe over.
You see, Caesar, if Warlord Rubio, the Face of the Tea Party, had not betrayed the Red Tribe, Donald Trump would never have had his opening.
But to this day, his deluded serfs ignore this point. They also ignore the fact that he was clearly doomed after his appalling loss in New Hampshire. They ignore the fact that he continues - even now, now that he is out of the race, thanks to early voting - to siphon votes away from the one faithful member of the Red Tribe left. Instead they bitch endlessly about how Warlord Cruz appeased Warlord Trump in the opening stages of the campaign. As if anyone has enabled Warlord Trump more than Warlord Rubio!
Warlord Rubio himself has proven to be an utter failure of a man, as well. He intends to retire from the field completely, and refuses to help unite the remnants of the Red Tribe against Donald Trump.
It all goes to show that democracy is a terrible thing and we will be better off without it.
